three

sending me a text. but not a slight show of feelings for me. tangling me up in your web. it confuses me. i dunno what to do with you

two

does loving someone forever really exist? i thought it did. i still hope it does. but it's hard to believe when the one you thought would be your happy ever after just stops loving you. and you see all these happy couples and you question what's wrong with you. it just hurts so bad. you're beliefs go crashing down on you and you don't know what you should believe in anymore. i'm a hopeless romantic i guess. i just want to be loved and love someone back unconditionally and forever. i'm scared that day won't come anymore. i hope i can love again and be loved. it hurts to feel unwanted.

adele - take it all

didn't i give it all?

tried my best,

gave you everything i had,

everything and no less,

didn't i do it right?

did i let you down?

maybe you got too use to,

having me around,

still, how can you walk away,

from all my tears?

it's gonna be an empty road,

without me right here,

but go on and take it,

take it all with you,

don't look back,

at this crumbling fool,

just take it all,

with my love,

take it all,

with my love,

maybe i should leave,

to help you see,

nothing is better than this,

and this is everything we need,

so is it over?

is this really it?

you're giving up so easily,

i thought you loved me more than this,

but go on, go on and take it,

take it all with you,

don't look back,

at this crumbling fool,

just take it all,

with my love,

take it all,

with my love,

i will change if i must,

slow it down and bring it home,

i will adjust,

oh, if only,

if only you knew,

everything i do,

is for you,

but go on, go on and take it,

take it all with you,

don't look back,

at this crumbling fool,

just take it,

take it all with you,

don't look back,

at this crumbling fool,

just take it all,

with my love,

take it all,

with my love,

take it all,

with my love.

eat pray love - soulmates

“i’m not laughing.” i was actually crying. “and please don’t laugh at me now, but i think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because i seriously believed david was my
soul mate.”
“he probably was. your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. people
think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and thank god for it. your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. it’s over, groceries. david’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. that was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. you’re like a dog at the dump, baby—you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. and if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. so drop it.”
“but i love him.”
“so love him.”
“but i miss him.”
“so miss him. send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then
drop it. you’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of david because then you’ll really be alone, and liz gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. but here’s what you gotta understand, groceries. if you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot—a door-way. and guess what the universe will do with that doorway? it will rush in—god will rush in—and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. so stop using david to block that door. let it go.”
“but i wish me and david could—”
he cuts me off. “see, now that’s your problem. you’re wishin’ too much, baby. you gotta
stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
this line gives me the first laugh of the day.
then i ask richard, “so how long will it be before all this grieving passes?”
“you want an exact date?”
“yes.”
“somethin’ you can circle on your calendar?”
“yes.”
“lemme tell you something, groceries—you got some serious control issues.”

katy perry - wide awake

i'm wide awake
yeah, i was in the dark 
i was falling hard 
with an open heart 
i'm wide awake 
how did i read the stars so wrong 

i'm wide awake 
and now it's clear to me 
that everything you see 
ain't always what it seems 
i'm wide awake 
yeah, i was dreaming for so long 

i wish i knew then 
what i know now 
wouldn't dive in 
wouldn't bow down 
gravity hurts 
you made it so sweet 
till i woke up on 
on the concrete 

falling from cloud nine 
crashing from the high 
i'm letting go tonight 
(yeah i'm) falling from cloud 9 
i'm wide awake 
not losing any sleep 
i picked up every piece 
and landed on my feet 
i'm wide awake 
need nothing to complete myself - nooohooo 

i'm wide awake 
yeah, i am born again 
outta the lion's den 
i don't have to pretend 
and it's too late 
the story's over now, the end 

i wish i knew then 
what i know now 
wouldn't dive in 
wouldn't bow down 
gravity hurts 
you made it so sweet 
till i woke up on 
on the concrete 

falling from cloud nine 
crashing from the high 
i'm letting go tonight 
i'm falling from cloud 9 

thunder rumbling 
castles crumbling 
i am trying to hold on 
god knows that i tried 
seeing the bright side 
i'm not blind anymore 

falling from cloud nine 
crashing from the high 
(ya' know) i'm letting go tonight 
i'm falling from cloud 9 

i'm wide awake

one.

i'm back in trying to make a blog. i want a place to just pour it all out, because keeping it in would be too much. maybe writing/typing how i feel would help in making sense in all of these again. i'm just hoping that in my path to heal it will help me, guide me in the path that i know i have to take. slowly and surely take me to a better place. help me be happy again. heal all the parts that have been broken and pick up the pieces that have been shattered. be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with what i see, be proud of myself of what i have achieved and where i am. be able to withstand the loneliness that's killing me everyday. be able to sit in silence and be ok, even happy with that. being ok with not sharing my feelings, my fears, my achievements to the person who means to me most and who makes me feel most comfortable. re-find myself. and in the end find love again and be ready to accept it in no matter which form it would take. be able to let go of the love that i've lost. be able to forgive myself and others. be a better person

let me tell you something about me. i've always made my blogs quite anonymous. but hi, i'm jenny. i'm working in the field of consultancy. i live in antwerp and i've just lost the guy who i thought was the love of my life. and i am hurting at this moment. from the loneliness, from the pain of rejection, from being lost and not knowing where to start. you see i've moved myself to this country to be with him and now that i lost him, i don't have anyone to hang on. i have some friends but i haven't really invested on that in my time here. i put other things first, such as him, my papers, language, work. and now that i have those i lost love, or maybe love lost me. i'm still quite unsure with that. i'm just lost i guess. i want to refind myself. i want to be ok in this situation.

maybe writing will help me as it always does. this is not a regular blog. i won't force myself to write everyday if i don't feel like it. i will use this as a medium of release. when there's no one to talk to but myself and my computer. when there's no hearing ear except my keyboard and the world wide web. when i just feel like shit. and maybe through this process i become better, or atleast i will be able to live with myself. maybe. as they say here 'komt wel goed' in english it means 'it's gonna be alright' no matter how shitty it is now.

i'm not gonna lie. i want him to regret dumping me and hope he still had me. i have to get rid of this feeling because its not about him its about me. but i still love him a lot and i wanna be with him. but i know the flame has to die. i cannot hope. that will kill me more in the end.

see i feel a bit better already. maybe just slightly. but still, i'll take my baby steps and hopefully go far in this journey.

x jenny