one.

i'm back in trying to make a blog. i want a place to just pour it all out, because keeping it in would be too much. maybe writing/typing how i feel would help in making sense in all of these again. i'm just hoping that in my path to heal it will help me, guide me in the path that i know i have to take. slowly and surely take me to a better place. help me be happy again. heal all the parts that have been broken and pick up the pieces that have been shattered. be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with what i see, be proud of myself of what i have achieved and where i am. be able to withstand the loneliness that's killing me everyday. be able to sit in silence and be ok, even happy with that. being ok with not sharing my feelings, my fears, my achievements to the person who means to me most and who makes me feel most comfortable. re-find myself. and in the end find love again and be ready to accept it in no matter which form it would take. be able to let go of the love that i've lost. be able to forgive myself and others. be a better person

let me tell you something about me. i've always made my blogs quite anonymous. but hi, i'm jenny. i'm working in the field of consultancy. i live in antwerp and i've just lost the guy who i thought was the love of my life. and i am hurting at this moment. from the loneliness, from the pain of rejection, from being lost and not knowing where to start. you see i've moved myself to this country to be with him and now that i lost him, i don't have anyone to hang on. i have some friends but i haven't really invested on that in my time here. i put other things first, such as him, my papers, language, work. and now that i have those i lost love, or maybe love lost me. i'm still quite unsure with that. i'm just lost i guess. i want to refind myself. i want to be ok in this situation.

maybe writing will help me as it always does. this is not a regular blog. i won't force myself to write everyday if i don't feel like it. i will use this as a medium of release. when there's no one to talk to but myself and my computer. when there's no hearing ear except my keyboard and the world wide web. when i just feel like shit. and maybe through this process i become better, or atleast i will be able to live with myself. maybe. as they say here 'komt wel goed' in english it means 'it's gonna be alright' no matter how shitty it is now.

i'm not gonna lie. i want him to regret dumping me and hope he still had me. i have to get rid of this feeling because its not about him its about me. but i still love him a lot and i wanna be with him. but i know the flame has to die. i cannot hope. that will kill me more in the end.

see i feel a bit better already. maybe just slightly. but still, i'll take my baby steps and hopefully go far in this journey.

x jenny